The List (Season 7, Episode 9)

I recently noticed myself making a list in my head . . . of everything that’s wrong with me.

Super charming, I know.

Because I caught The List midway, I saw how absurd it was . . . and decided to keep going just to highlight the ridiculousness of these thoughts to myself. Because, really — have you ever really paid attention to them? I don’t know about you, but mine would have required me to become an entirely different person in about 1983.

So in today’s episode I explore my list and discuss a process for turning toward kindness when you find yourself making your own version.

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Transcript

00:02 [MUSIC]

00:05 Welcome to Love, Curvy Yoga, the podcast where we believe that you’ve got this 100%. Now let’s get into it.

00:20 Hi there, Anna here. How are things in your world? I hope that you’re doing really well. I am good. Hazel had her first birthday and we did the whole cupcake smash thing so that was delightful. As you may know, our theme this month in the studio is The Kind 29 so what it is if you’re a member of our online studio, we have a yoga practice, video oriented towards kindness. We have a few different themes. We have heart, mind, body and self, um, for each of the weeks. And it’s 29 cause there’s 29 days in February this year.

01:01 And related to that I just decided to embark on a little experiment. So I am making notes each day. I’m really just keeping it on my phone of when I have extended kindness to myself. And I thought that this would be a relatively simple exercise, but it’s turned out to be a little more challenging than I thought. Figuring out what I consider an act of kindness. Noticing it in the first place, letting it be really small, et cetera. So I’m going to be sharing more about what I have discovered at the end of the month, but I wanted to invite you to join me if you would like. So all you have to do is make a note somewhere. You could do your phone like I am or a journal or whatever works for you, of a way that you showed yourself kindness. So I’m aiming for each day of the month, but if you miss a day, if I miss a day, no worries. And as we get closer to the end of the month or just throughout the month, I would so love to hear what you discover on your journey. So you can get in touch via email podcast@curvyyoga.com or tag or DM me on Instagram. I’m @CurvyYoga there and I will be looking forward to hearing from what’s up for you. So in just a moment we are going to move to our main section

02:27 [MUSIC]

02:31 Okay. So last week I mentioned I would be talking about the list and drum roll please. Here’s what it is. So a few weeks ago I was getting ready for bed and I found myself tallying up a list of things that were wrong about me that I needed to change. How delightful. So because I happened to catch that thought midway, I was able to use that opportunity of that little pause to check in. And when I did, I really just had to laugh because it was already so ridiculous. Like I would have to changed my whole entire life to live up to this list. So just for fun, I thought to myself in the moment, well, why don’t I just keep going? I’m just going to write up the whole list that I just interrupted. So I grabbed my journal, I was right there and wrote it down and here it is.

03:32 So neck getting saggy, too up and down with my moods, belly bigger and floppier , too indecisive, gray hair starting, skin red and dry – but does skincare even work, have nothing left to say and no one cares. Hmm. Is that ALL?! I hope you can hear my eyes rolling from there. Oh my gosh. Wow. Sometimes we are really are really hard on myself, ourselves, myself, and ourselves.

04:05 So at a different point in my life, writing this list down would have been really discouraging so I don’t necessarily recommend it. But what I found in that moment is seeing it all written down, how I would, like I said earlier, really have to become an entirely different person. And that in that moment really just highlighted the absurdity of that voice that most of us have. So let’s just kind of break down this list and how really fed by capitalism, sexism, all kinds of isms that this comes from.

04:45 So first up is the neck. Um, this is called aging: necks and bodies change. As I talk about at length on this podcast. And while of course people do things to fight aging, that’s not what I want to do. And it’s honestly, it’s so funny, it’s not even something that concerns me on a regular basis. It’s like, I think this kind of train of thought catches hold and then a bunch of stuff just kind of grabs onto it. Um, when Nick and I were in graduate school, he had this video game and I am not really that into video games, but I really liked this one. It’s kind of absurd, sort of like what we’re talking about. So it’s called Katamari something and you basically just roll up a ball of a bunch of random nonsense that’s around in a room like dogs and blocks and houses and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger and you’re rolling up this ball. And that’s kind of how I feel like these thoughts can happen.

05:49 So the next one, too up and down with my moods. Okay. It’s not actually too of anything. The truth is that I’m just actually feeling my feelings more and that is still relatively new for me. Per usual, standard disclaimer. If you feel like your moods need more support, get it. I am in weekly conversation with my therapist and she’s always telling me that what I am feeling is not too much.

06:18 Okay. Belly. Okay. Maybe my belly is bigger and floppier I am a fat person. Spoiler alert. I recently had a baby and a C-section, so it’s not too surprising and the biggest thing of all is it, it doesn’t have to mean anything. Once again, we’ll file this under bodies change.

06:41 Too indecisive. The first thing I thought when I was reflecting on this for this conversation is, is that actually true? And when I looked at the evidence in my life, I was like, not really. This is another one a little bit out of left field.

07:00 Okay. Gray hair. Honestly, I really don’t know how this one got on the list because I’m actually excited about it. I actually joked to Nic recently that I will soon be the grayest woman in my family because most of my female family members dye their hair, including some who are decades older than me.

07:21 Skin. Okay. I’m still not convinced about skincare. I saw a group of articles about things that people had quit in the New York Times and I am interested in that. So I was kind of clicking through reading different topics and of course then I hit my limit and I couldn’t read anymore articles, but one of them was called I quit skincare and I just felt really seen even just by reading the headline. So maybe next month when I, I’m back at zero on my New York Times articles that I’m allowed to read, I will, um, go check that one out.

07:56 Okay. The last one have nothing left to say and no one cares. If you have been here for a while, you know that this one is a constant for me. So I am not surprised this one’s on the list. It’s kind of like, you know, that person you always hope to avoid at a particular location, but you inevitably always run smack into them? That’s how this is for me.

08:20 So I think one of the reasons I was able to laugh instead of cry or start a capital N capital M New Me project or a diet was because I was able to pause and catch the thought. Now, is this something that I do all the time? Uh, uh, obviously not. Hopefully that’s obvious. Um, cause we have a bazillion thoughts a day. But sometimes like in this instance I do and it’s not because of anything special about me but just because I’ve been showing up for my practice with enough regularity over the years that I have a little more ability to notice my thoughts. And I’m sure you can see this, but it ties in so well to our theme of the kind 29.

09:14 I was recently reading a book that I really enjoy called Moving into Meditation by Anne Cushman. I’ll link it for you in the show notes and one of the quotes that I highlighted in there, um, she said “each time you kindly bring your attention back to the now of your practice on your own without an external reminder, you train up your capacity for compassionate presence.” And I really think this is it. This is the whole thing.

09:45 So how do we show ourselves more kindness? We can’t go back in time to do it, though we can have a conversation with our younger self and approach it that way. And we can’t do it in the future though we can definitely create boundaries and frameworks and practices that make it more possible. But the main entry point we have is right now – noticing a time that you’re not greeting yourself with gentleness and turning towards kindness, not being hard on yourself for how you didn’t start with kindness. Because look, that would be really easy for me to do with the list. After all, haven’t I been practicing and writing and teaching about this for many years? Yes. Haven’t I written a book where this is the main topic? Yes. But that’s kind of really the whole point. It’s not something that’s one and done for any of us.

10:44 An image that the meditation teacher, Tara Brach uses that really resonates with me is that of a bird and she says “the two parts of genuine acceptance, seeing clearly and holding our experience with compassion are as interdependent as the two wings of a great bird. Together they enable us to fly and be free.” And that’s really what we were just talking about, pausing, seeing what unfolds, turning toward kindness.

11:16 This is so important to the practice of yoga that it’s actually in the very first yoga Sutra, 1.1 Atha yoganusasanam: Now the yoga begins. I have learned from several different teachers over the years that the first word of a spiritual text like the yoga sutras is considered important, and in this case, that word is now. So yoga doesn’t begin tomorrow or later next week. It’s right here in this moment. So circling back to Anne Cushman’s book, in a minute, you’re going to see that we’re kindred spirits. She speaks to this when she says “you could spend hours planning a time in the future when you will finally be able to connect with the present moment. You could go online and research various retreat centers. You could buy a travel yoga mat, a folding wooden meditation bench, a new yoga outfit. Request the vacation time from your boss, arrange the childcare, buy the tickets, pack the suitcase. Or you could just turn to your home practice and be present right now. A daily home practice can be like a mini retreat in the middle of your life. A retreat of an hour or a half hour. A retreat of five minutes or five breaths.” This is obviously why I love home yoga practice, but I also think it’s relevant to so much more than that, including turning toward kindness because it’s this in the same way you could plan something really extravagant to be kind to yourself, a treat down the road or, or maybe it would be better to say and/or, you could do it right now. Okay. Up next a few reminders.

13:08 [MUSIC]

13:19 All right. Reminders, studio members, remember that you have support around all of this. We have a daily recommended practice for you as well as a daily kindness invitation. So you can find all of that on the site under the February 2020 calendar. I will also link it in the show notes. If you’re not a member, here is a reminder that you can join us at curvyyoga.studio and I will also link that in the show notes. Okay. If you have questions, comments, feedback, ideas, send it my way, at podcast@curvyyoga.com, you can text me at (615) 852-8789 or you can tag me or DM me on Instagram @CurvyYoga.

14:09 So let’s close with one breath together. We’ll inhale and exhale. The light in me honors the light in you, Namaste.

14:21 [MUSIC]

14:27 Stay tuned next week where I’m going to be talking about the kindest thing that I think you can do for yourself, and it’s not a nap, but that’s definitely close.