A friend recently asked me how I made the shift towards a more positive body image.
And I froze.
Despite writing about this often and thinking about it even more, an answer didn’t easily spring to mind. I think that’s because it’s a monolithic question in a lot of ways, and I’ve done SO many different things that it’s hard to narrow it down.
Drilling Down
After shaking off my initial brain freeze, I did the next best thing I could think of: spout off some platitudes — therapy, journaling, blah, blah, blah.
Now, those things aren’t blah blah to me — not at all. They’re actually two of my most important tools that I use on a regular basis. But they were blah blah to her at the time because I knew she’d heard it all before, and she was struggling. She wanted to hear something different, and I knew I wasn’t being as real as I wanted to be.
One More Layer
There were a few other friends in the room, so the conversation continued for a bit without me. I listened to them with one ear and to me with the other — asking myself, “what has REALLY made a difference to me?”
And then it hit me.
As soon as I could, I jumped back into the conversation and told my friend, “One of the biggest things I did was completely change my environment.”
That got her attention.
Creating My Life
From there, I went into further detail. I let go of toxic friendships — the ones that drained me of energy because they were all one-sided. But also the ones where all we talked about was how much we hated our bodies and needed to go on a diet.
Now, I didn’t just call up these people and break-up with them in one day; my process wasn’t that quick. But over time, as I saw our relationship more deeply (or, rather, saw its lack of depth), I had less desire to spend time with these people. And we gradually drifted apart — no passive aggressive melodrama necessary.
I also dramatically reduced the amount of media I consume. I used to love subscribing to magazines, but over time I realized that 90% of them were ads designed to make me feel terrible. Even the pages that weren’t actual ads were ads because they were just clever layouts of “best new facial creams” or whatever.
After that, I slowly stopped reading so much news and, eventually, I stopped my old way of watching TV. Now I never flip through the channels and accidentally land on a telemercial for the latest weight loss scheme. Instead, I’m all about Hulu — watching only what I want, when I want.
Finally, I changed my home. I got rid of all the clothes I was hanging onto for the hopes of fitting into one day. I couldn’t believe the shift that created for me energetically. I quite literally felt freer after unburdening myself of the expectations infused in those clothes.
I also hid my scale from myself. Of course, I knew it was still there, but more often than not I didn’t think about it when it wasn’t the first thing I saw every morning. And, again, over time, as I fell out of the routine of weighing myself 2-3x/week, I missed it less and less.
The Myth of Giving Up
As I read through this list, my inner critic thinks — “You didn’t change your environment. You gave up!”
And, my, isn’t that a pervasive myth? We even have jokes about it — how people get older, married, in a busy job, have kids or whatever (it really doesn’t matter the reason, does it?) — and they “give up.” In this scenario, giving up is meant to mean on the way they look.
What a sad social construct.
First of all, I think this is ridiculous, offensive and designed solely to support the diet and beauty industries. Second, you know what looks better on people than a smaller pair of pants?
Not hating themselves.
Truly, don’t we all know those people whose bodies don’t fit the standard beauty norms but who everyone thinks is radiant and gorgeous? I know I do. And it’s not because of their clothes or makeup.
It’s because they have a light within, and they shine it out with confidence.
Change your environment, change your life
I know it can sound like a lot, perhaps even too much, to change your environment. And I can hear the reasons as to why you could never cut that person out of your life. And that’s probably true; it is for me.
I still have people in my life who aren’t 100% supportive of my body lovin’ journey who I choose not to cut out (primarily because they’re family members). So what I do with them is shift the conversation as much as possible, including not participating in fat-talk during family gatherings, which is always a favorite activity.
You’ll also notice that with everything I did, I said “over time” or “slowly.” This didn’t happen overnight — not by a long shot. So if there are things you might like to change in your life, figure out your own pace and method.
And start making the shift.
Photo Credit
This is exactly what I did as well and it’s indeed incredible what a difference it makes. I also have art and sculpture displayed that features fat women, and that subtle message to me every single day that bodies like mine are worthy of display and admiration really matters to me.
Oh, I love that, Chartreuse! Your art sounds beautiful — what an inspiration!
LOVE your writings! Body image is such a hard issue for ALL women, and to hear you talk about how you get to where you are so clearly and intelligently INSPIRES me. I have a friend who is anorexic, it is a constant battle for me to understand, stay supportive, and be true to her. I don’t believe in her approaches to dealing with her body image issues, food break-downs, and overall lifestyle – but I have “changed” my approach to how I sustain our friendship. I found myself at one point last year feeling as though I had anorexia (subconsciously) and was morphing into a depressed, anxious, and overly conscious women – it is then and there I stopped. I am 42 years old and finally LOVE my body. Not because I’m “uber fit, and all the perfect measurements (which btw who came up with those?) but because i LOVE me. A long journey, mainly guided through the beautiful practice of yoga (and AMAZING teachers) but also driven by ME. Needless to say I wholeheartedly support a “media cleanse” of sorts which you speak of, limited access to marketers trying to sell an image that is so disconnected from the human spirit and goodness we poses as individuals – not Marketers Scapegoats.
Please keep up the beautiful WORK … and when time permits check out http://www.gruvyoga.com – I’d love to chat with you about how our studio can bring in a “slow go yoga” class which supports individuals who have an illness, struggle with weight, or have never taken a class before. Also, I’m a huge FAN of Jane House – I see the two of you recently did a workshop – KEEP up the GOOD work.
Amy
Thanks for this beautiful comment, Amy! We all really have to find our own way, don’t we? I appreciate you sharing what’s working for you!
I will definitely check out the site, and I’ll send you an email to connect about the class you want to offer. It sounds lovely!
I ♥ Jane, too. 🙂
I’m must of gotten that from you by osmosis…over the past year or so, I have done much of the same…a lot of it definitely has to do with media…specifically magazines..when I realized it wasn’t helping, and that I didn’t agree with what was being printed, I stopped reading them…my husband dominates the tv most of the time, so I have been watching what I want on netflix (on the ipad!! lol), though even with that, I have been noticing more and more the negative body comments the characters on some shows make about themselves…..just recently did a huge clean out of closet, that actually took about 6 months..the clothes got into the bag, but then getting the bags out of the closet took longer. And that’s ok. I always think it’s “10 miles into the wood, it will be 10 miles out”.
LOL! Love it when that osmosis happens.
I love your saying about 10 miles in, 10 miles out. I love being reminded of how all of this is a process and, like you said, one that’s worth staying with, regardless of how long it takes you.
With love to you, and thanks from the heart for your clarity and truth.
Very beautiful to read this, and I’m moved to feel a tide turning.
The mind is adept at only giving negative messages; our challenge may be to simply transcend the inner critic.
You’ve communicated what really makes the shift. Courage to all !
Thanks for sharing the image of the tide — love that!
I love reducing the media consumption. I recently received a “free” subscription to a magazine and I couldn’t believe the amount of advertising. I guess that’s why it was free! But yes, we have to be conscious of what we put into our spirits!
Ha — yes, I guess that’s why it was free! Although the paid ones often aren’t much better.
Thanks for stopping by, Wendy!
This is a fantastic post. We have one very messed up society, in which physical appearance is the focus, and we wonder why there are so many social problems??? Interesting that you mention eliminating toxic people from your life, and how because some are family members you chose not to. My biggest issues about my body come straight from my mother–I don’t want to eliminate her from my life, but boy the passive aggressive stuff is wearing! But ultimately, she is struggling with her own self-image and it’s just reflected in how she interacts with me, and also my sister. Letting it go is hard to do, kudos to you for the steps you’ve been able to make toward self-acceptance 🙂
I hear you on the family issue. One thing I did with a few key family members is tell them I never wanted to discuss my weight with them again. I think they were a little taken aback, and sometimes it still slips in, but overall it’s been a nice sanity saver.
Anna, as always, thank you. I too just got rid of my “maybe someday” clothes. very cathartic! I work around lots of young college women and do my best daily to be a good role model regarding body image. I might add that I see a positive shift in their attitudes about body acceptance. Anna. You and other brave soles ARE making a difference!
Wow — that’s awesome! Helping others make that shift is HUGE, especially younger women. Go you! 🙂
So glad I found your blog. Everything you write is so inspirational to me. And it’s such a breath of fresh air from all the other crap I feel bombarded with every day (losing weight, looking good, etc.) I just find so much to relate to in these posts! Thank you for helping my love and treasure my body a little more each day.
My pleasure, Adrienne! Thank YOU so much for this sweet comment — it totally made my day! Glad you’re here!
This is EXACTLY what I needed to read today, thank you 🙂 The whole getting rid of toxic relationships is a big issue for me and I’m taking the steps of letting them go (still a work in progress). The boyfriend and I both gave up our beloved magazine subscriptions earlier this year as well and although I thought I’d really miss them, turns out, not so much. We’ve also been working on the closet purging too. I really struggled with this one, because I really wanted to hold onto that favorite pair of jeans that no longer fit me, but they made me feel miserable looking at them now, so why hold onto it when all it does is make me feel bad about myself? So glad I fell upon your blog, as this is the kind of positive energy (along with my yoga practice) I need in my life 🙂
Wow — thank you for sharing and letting me know! I’m so glad you found this right when it could be helpful.
And, I totally agree — it’s all a work in progress (or at least it is for me — big time)! 🙂
Hi Anna, I love your post! I’m a body image coach in Switzerland. I connect curvy women and empower them to live the life of their dreams, no matter what the number on the scale says. Currently I’m writing a book (in German) on the whole subject, I call it BODYSFACTION. It’s sort of a how-to guide to get from body hate to body love. Of course I’ve been there myself and reading your post inspired me to ask this question in the interviews I do for my book: How did you make the body image shift? – Thank you!
What I liked most:
“… you know what looks better on people than a smaller pair of pants?
Not hating themselves.”
I love your quote! May I use it in my book?
I’d also love to link your page to my blog.
Cheers from Switzerland
Andrea
How wonderful, Andrea! It sounds like you’re doing some wonderful work, and I love the name of your book! You are certainly welcome to use that quote and link to my page; thanks for asking and connecting!!
I so agree! I have a tough Mother, her words are not always lovely, AND she is VERY judgmental. Since I live far away from family, talking on the phone is the main way to communicate. I find I avoid certain conversations, and sharing things with her. It is easier, I don’t like hearing the negative all the time. I have been working really hard to take the negative out of my life. But I agree, it takes time, and I am taking it one day at a time. {That negative involves talking poorly about others, and the way they look…} Thank you for sharing, Hugs, Terra
It’s so hard when it’s family. It sounds like you’re finding a way through that works for you, which is great. Sending hugs back!