Ten Things I Learned in the Past Decade (Season 7, Episode 2)

It didn’t really dawn on me that the end of the decade is near until I heard someone mention it a month or so ago. At first I didn’t think much about it. But then as some time passed, I started reflecting on everything that has unfolded in the last ten years. And whoa — it’s so much! Isn’t that true for you, too? Wow.

So in this episode I kick things off with a bonus Ask Me Anything question that came in after I recorded last week’s episode. And then I dive into ten things I learned in the past decade. It was hard to narrow down my list! But I think where I landed is pretty all encompassing. Here’s #7 to give you a preview: Very little of what you think are your unique flaws are actually unique. Or flaws. They’re almost all called being human.

At the end, I’ve got another invitation and giveaway for you, so be sure to listen all the way through!

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Transcript

[00:00:02] Welcome to Love Curvy Yoga, the podcast where we believe that you don’t have to love your body, especially not immediately, let yourself learn to be with it gently and see what kindness can unfold. Now let’s get into it.

[00:00:22] Hi there. Thank you so much for your enthusiasm about the return of the podcast. I’m really glad that you’re enjoying the improved sound, especially because I’m doing it myself (so I extra appreciate it) and that you’re excited about the transcripts and everything else, so I’m really glad to be back. And stay tuned to the end of this episode again for another invitation and our second giveaway. I will announce the winner of the first giveaway in a bit.

[00:00:55] [MUSIC]

[00:00:58] You know, people often ask how they can support this podcast and becoming a member of our online studio really is the best way. For about the price of a drop in yoga class, you get access to our full library, new videos every week, mobile and TV apps coming in mid-January and one bonus podcast episode every month. So our sale is coming soon. It’s our annual sale. And if you’re not already on the email list, go to the link in the show notes to get first heads up when the doors for the sale open on December 28.

[00:01:34] [MUSIC]

[00:01:39] OK, now on to our main segment. So we have an extra Ask Me Anything that came in from Kelly. And even though I had already recorded the previous episode where we focused on that, I still wanted to answer this question because it is such a good one.

[00:01:57] OK. So here is her question. “How do I start? Or as a beginner, how do I start and actually keep going? I’m having such a hard time incorporating yoga into my daily life or monthly life because I feel overwhelmed with options. I want to do it, but get stuck on picking a video.” She says that she says to herself, “Let’s see. It has to be beginner. I really don’t want it long. I want to feel good about myself afterwards and not frustrated because this should be joyful , dang it, and and or I just do the same one and feel stalled. I feel so silly asking but I can’t seem to get past my mental ‘stuff.’ And yes, I do this with everything in my life that is freewill, multiple choice. I stonewall myself and freeze in the face of options.” OK. So can you already see why I wanted to answer this? Kelly, you are so not alone! I know so many people listening can relate to this. Me too.

[00:02:56] And the first thing I have to suggest is narrowing your options. This is why a lot of people do things like a capsule, wardrobe or wear the same thing every day or eat the same breakfast every day. I’m a little bit like that. I usually do eat a very similar breakfast, but summary: decision fatigue is real and it can be challenging to decide what to do. So in the Studio we have a new website now and all of the videos are organized by category. So you can go ahead and look for a category that might be relevant for you so that your choices have already been pre narrowed. And I’m also happy to make some suggestions for categories or individual videos, which I actually did with Kelly. We had an off-podcast conversation about it. And what’s nice about having videos that you know work for you is that you can favorite them. So then you kind of have your own little personal curated library. So when you go in, you can just go to your favorites, click play and you don’t have to worry about those decisions. And the main thing is just remembering to favorite them. Sometimes it’s hard to remember when you go back.

[00:04:16] I think that we have an idea that if we’re not doing new things all the time, then it doesn’t count or we’re not taking advantage of, for example, everything the Studio has to offer. But the reason that there’s a lot in our online studio isn’t so that you do it all, but so that you can find what works for you. Another person can find what works for them and so on and so forth. So if you are just doing one regular video for a week, a month, a quarter a year, then I think that’s great. You can really learn a lot from repetition. And then when you are ready for a new video, you’ll know! You’ll feel ready and interested in going to check one out. So narrow your options, favorite, use the narrowing options that are already available to you and then also give yourself that permission to go with what works.

[00:05:15] OK, so now we will get into the 10 things that I have learned in the past decade. So quick disclaimer that these are my personal lessons and they might be the opposite of what you have learned, what you are working with, want or need to learn. And that’s OK. I think that we really learn a lot about ourselves, both in comparison and in contrast with other people’s stories.

[00:05:45] So number one is don’t chase someone else’s definition of success, especially if you don’t know what yours is. So I spent many, many, many years doing what I thought I should be doing in life and business. I would think things like, oh, other people are striving for this financial goal or they have that many people on their team or they’re building a quote unquote, real business just to give some business examples. I guess I should be doing that, too. And guess what? It wasn’t for me! I had to work way too hard for less than when I just kept it simple. I like having a small, truly small business. And I think that I could have saved myself some time and heartache if I had really gotten clear about what was most important to me earlier in my work and business life, and I think kind of related to this is taking some time to figure that out for yourself, but also in conversation with your people.

[00:06:59] So Nic and I being on the same page about our priorities has really changed everything for us. And I know that sounds probably pretty obvious, but it’s like we’ve gotten clearer about that over time, and that is both because we’re individually clearer and because we have done work together as a couple. So it’s how we finally paid off our debt by really concentrating on what we were doing with our money, how we decided to move to Portland, how we figured out the kind of work we want to be doing. Not to mention it helps us determine what causes and organizations we want to support, how we want to show up for our friends and family, the boundaries we need to set, how we can have each other’s back as parents. There are so many examples of how this has shown up. And I don’t only do it with Nic. So with one of my besties, we both love planning and so we often are in conversation about planning that we’re doing individually with our lives, with our businesses. And we also will do some planning together. So we’ll hop onto a call, or we’ll put ideas in a Google doc and share them back and forth. So I think letting this be a little bit of a communal thing can be really helpful because that also gives you the support for following that definition of success that you’ve set up for yourself when you maybe feel a little bit sidetracked by what you’re seeing from other people.

[00:08:39] So that brings me to number two, which is double down on what works. Also known as you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Let me just go through a few different examples, because there’s lots of ways this shows up in my life. In my yoga practice, I am always trying to double down on what works, especially when I don’t have time or things are particularly challenging. This is kind of related to what I was talking about earlier with Kelly’s Ask Me Anything question where it doesn’t always have to be brand new. You can do the same thing over and over again and call that good enough, more than good enough really.

[00:09:21] In friendship: so I for years really struggled to make time for my friends in the way that I wanted to. And what I realized is that I just have to kind of bring it down to the nitty gritty. So with the handful of friendships that I have really made a big priority, I put what’s going on for them on my calendar. So when they say, oh, I’m leaving for my trip on Friday, I put it on my calendar to send them a text and say, I hope you have a great trip because otherwise it just slips from my mind. Not that they’re going, but when and, you know, just time flies by and things happen. So putting it on my calendar is really helpful for me. I also have found that going a little bit overboard sometimes is really fun in a friendship. So both of my best friends have turned 40 in the last few years and I wrote them 40 cards leading up to their fortieth birthday. So they got the fortieth card on their fortieth birthday and it was so fun to be able to celebrate them in that way. I just had a blast writing all of the cards. I’m also just a big card person and I love it in general, and they loved it! I think they were overwhelmed, but in a great way. So just finding those ways to connect with them in ways that I enjoy, too.

[00:10:52] So same thing in my relationship. We kind of talked about that earlier. We have found that making regular time to connect with each other and check in about what’s important to us makes a big difference. I think I’ve talked about this on the podcast before, but we do this thing that we call Sunday night chats and we each share something we’re grateful to the other person for from the week and we check in on how our self care is going. And then we check in on anything else we need to talk about kind of what’s coming up in the week ahead, is there anything we need to address, work on, etc. And that has been really helpful for us.

[00:11:36] And then the other thing I wanted to talk about is self care. So my friend Mara Glatzel, that’s all who I know I have talked about and I’m sure many of you are familiar with. She talks about keeping yourself in good working order. And I love that phrasing because it’s I think it’s very concrete. It’s clear to me what that means and it simplifies things. So for me, being in good working order means going to bed early, not working up until the very last second before bed, not checking my phone before I get out of bed in the morning and not being overly busy. So am I perfect with any of these? Absolutely not. But they are things that I try to keep in my mind.

[00:12:25] And they kind of bring me to my next one, which is number three. Experimentation, seasonality and curiosity are a potent combination, especially with great big doses of kindness and gentleness. OK, so I know that I harp on about this endlessly, but that’s because it has been truly life changing for me. These are things that let me live my life flexibly. Which, well, you know, kind of within a container. And that helps me get less hung up on what’s happening at any particular moment. So if you’ve been with us for a while here, you know that things do not work out perfectly for me or for Curvy Yoga. I have a regular human life. Sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t. That is normal. But in the past, I thought that that was something uniquely flawed about me — and I’m going to talk more about that in a minute. And what I found is that experimentation and curiosity, let me notice what I’m interested in and then try things out. And seasonality reminds me that nothing I’m doing now will last forever. You know, both in ways that I like and don’t like. And that all reminds me that change is not only possible, but really inevitable. So if I’m feeling stuck or uncertain or just ready to do something different, that moment will be here soon enough.

[00:13:58] OK, so in the midst of all of this experimentation, curiosity, seasonality, here comes number four: don’t ignore the red flags, even if they’re fleeting. They usually are. So I find that this is true for both good and bad, if we want to put it into those categories, red flags. So, of course, we don’t usually use the phrasing red flag for something good. But what I have found is that these things, maybe we call the good ones a nudge. So we have a nudge for something. We have a red flag for something that we maybe should not be doing or a road that might not be best for us to go down. Is that even though they’re fleeting, they usually do show up more than once. You might have heard this before: this whole idea of your body will whisper to you, then talk and then shout to get your attention. And the idea is that hopefully you start to hone your ability to hear before it gets to a shout. And I think the same thing is true for these nudges and these red flags. So, you know, one of the ways that nudges can show up is in the support that you need. So if you keep thinking that you need, for example, more time in nature, then I don’t think that that’s a random coincidence. I think that that’s a nudge, a message, a lesson, something that is wanting you to listen to it. So keep that ear out for the nudges and for the red flags.

[00:15:38] All right. Number five, and this kind of builds right on that. You won’t regret continuing to get closer to what’s true for you. So here’s the thing about what’s true for me. I often don’t know what’s true for me until I am living into it. And all I can safely say is that I know what’s true for me right now. And that doesn’t mean it will be exactly the same in the future. In fact, it probably won’t. I have made so many shifts in the last ten years that when I look back, it’s really almost unbelievable. I know that if I had known then where I would be now, I would have found it impossible, intimidating, overwhelming. I probably never would have gotten started to be completely honest. And it’s not because everything is perfect now, but because I had to live into almost all of it. I didn’t even know that I wanted the things I have now 10 years ago. So I find this kind of encouraging when I’m feeling a little bit dark night of the soul about where things are going, which is pretty regular for me so that I can just stay rooted in: OK, I might not know what’s happening next, but how can I anchor into what’s true for me right now?

[00:17:10] So that’s gonna bring me to number six, which you will get to in just a moment.

[00:17:14] [MUSIC]

[00:17:18] OK, we are back for number six. And that is it’s OK if people don’t understand your choices. Most people in my family have very little idea of what I do. They most likely know that it’s about yoga, not a guarantee, but most likely. And that’s about it. Same thing for people not understanding why I moved across the country, why I don’t like having tons of stuff, etc. And that’s not because I’ve never talked with them about these things. It’s more like we’re just kind of not in alignment about some of these things. And for a long time I thought I had to convince them or convert them to my way of thinking or get their approval. And this is not only about my family. There’s definitely other people, too. But over time, I’ve realized that in the end it doesn’t really matter. Because I am the only person who is living or can live this life. And what I have found over time and have definitely learned in the last decade is that I’m just no longer interested in not doing the things that are right for me because it might make someone else uncomfortable. There’s just, you know, at the end of the day, there’s just only so much of my life left. And yes, I am a person who thinks about death a lot. And this is not Nic’s favorite quality of mine. He hates it when I bring this up, but it really is something that I think about pretty often and motivates me in how I’m thinking about my life.

[00:19:05] And that brings me to the next one, number seven, which I mentioned earlier that I would circle back to later: Very little of what you think are your unique flaws are actually unique or flaws. They’re almost all called being human. I cannot tell you how many things I have thought are my unique flaws. I mean, basically everything. But the older I get, and especially the more that I hear other people’s stories, whether that’s in books, in conversations with y’all, on podcasts, in talking with my friends, the more I realize that we are all in this together. So, yes, your particular circumstances are unique to you, but you’re definitely not the only person who’s been through something similar to what you have, who has similar fears or concerns, who wonders if their body is OK. And I find this really just so liberating because it makes me feel less isolated and more connected. It also lets me be a little bit easier on myself. And who doesn’t need more of that, right?

[00:20:22] OK. So the next one, number eight: Get to know your inner mentor. I know I’ve talked about this in the past. This is a concept that I learned from Tara Sophia Moore. And, you know, that whole thing I mentioned earlier about how I’m the only one who can live this life? That comes from my inner mentor. Really, there is nothing that cuts through my own B.S. more than my inner mentor. So the idea behind the inner mentor, if you’re not familiar with it, is you connect with an older version of yourself. And usually this is not you in like three years, but maybe more like 10, 20, 30. When I’m connecting with my inner mentor, I like to think of myself in my 70s or 80s. And when I ask a question of my inner mentor, the answer to whatever I’m struggling with is almost always crystal clear. There’s no hesitating. It’s not wishy washy. And it’s usually some version of tell the real truth to yourself and to others.

[00:21:30] OK. So number nine, it’s okay to continue. So another little disclaimer here that this might be the opposite of what you need to learn. So I like to change things up frequently. And if I’ve been doing something for too long, which is usually not actually that long at all, I get uncomfortable. I tell myself a story that I’m bored and I tell myself a way louder story that other people are tired of me and then I have nothing left to say. This is why it’s basically a miracle that I am still practicing yoga. I don’t think that there’s anything else I’ve done for 20 years except be alive. So even though my practice certainly waxes and wanes or shows up differently, there’s just so much I never would have known about my practice, let alone myself without letting myself continue. So this is definitely not to say that you should stay with things that are not working. Many people are on the other side of this and you have no problem continuing, but you maybe struggle more with changing gears. So don’t hear me say that continuing is better. It definitely often is not. I have just learned as someone who finds this challenging that there can be beauty in it. I mentioned on the podcast a while back that my practice feels fresh for me, which is not something I would have expected after 20 years. And it’s true. And that really brings me a lot of joy because who knows what could be waiting for the practice for me in one, five, then, thirty, who knows how many years down the line?

[00:23:20] And that brings me to my last one, number 10, which is that you never know what can unfold in ten years time. Most of what has unfolded for me has been completely unexpected and unplanned for. So I find a lot of this reflecting back on the decade obnoxious because it kind of makes it seem like, oh, what was happening 10 years ago was definitely worse than what is happening now. And what I have found in doing this reflection is that it’s not all definitely better at this point. A lot of it is just neutral. And what I have found interesting about it is just how much I never could have guessed in a million years, ten years ago. So I thought I would just run through a few things that were going on in 2010 and then some things that are going on now to illustrate that point. So in 2010, Nic and I had just moved to Nashville. We were trying to get pregnant for the first time. I had a full time job that had nothing to do with yoga. I had been a yoga teacher for about a year and I was just at the tippy top of getting started with Curvy Yoga. I had never even considered being a full time yoga teacher or running my own business. And when I say that, I don’t mean I thought, “Oh, I really want to do this, but I don’t think it’s possible.” I mean, it had not entered my mind 10 years ago. I had been married for five years. And I thought I knew their reach and capacity of my love for Nic. I was just starting therapy in a regular way. I did not know anyone — Let me say that again — I did not know anyone who was interested in the intersection of yoga and body acceptance. I did have an inkling suspicion that there had to be someone out there. But mostly I felt like a fraud who was probably one of like three people that were interested. Also in 2010, I thought I knew where my life was going.

[00:25:37] So here we are, end of 2019. I have since moved twice, once within Nashville and once to Portland across the country. I had a baby this year after eight years of trying off and on. I ended up developing my own business with lots of starts, stops, starts, doubts and basically everything in between. And I’ve been doing it full time for eight years. I’ve been married almost 15 years and realized that my capacity for love is more expansive than I knew. I’ve been working really hard with therapy and other things to find the support that works for me in this moment, knowing that it will shift in the future, but also knowing that I have developed some skills to be able to respond when that shift inevitably happens. I still often feel like a fraud, but I have learned to weather it a little bit better and invite it to pull up a chair. I know so many people, hundreds of people, thousands of people who are interested in the intersection of yoga and body acceptance. You’re one of them! How amazing is this?! And also at the end of 2019, I realize that my life is a continual opening and that, just like I had no idea most of what would happen in this past decade, I know that I similarly have no idea most of what will happen in the next decade.

[00:27:11] OK. So that was my 10 things I learned in the past decade. Up next, an invitation and a giveaway.

[00:27:19] [MUSIC]

[00:27:28] OK. Quick reminder that our annual sale on Curvy Yoga Studio memberships is December 28th through January 4th. So if you have been wanting to join, it’s a great time to do that and just keep an eye on your email inbox. And if you’re not on our e-mail list, I will have a link for you in the show notes so that you can join.

[00:27:51] OK, so we had a couple responses come in from our question last week, which is what is your favorite pose that you like to do during the holidays? And Heather said, I like putting my arms over my head and stretching my sides a little. I also like stretching my hip flexors by lying down with one knee bent, foot on the floor and the other leg stretching along my mat while I press my lower back to the mat. That sounds delightful, doesn’t it? I might do that right after this is over. And then Cassie said, my favorite yoga pose when I’m feeling holiday stress is cat/cow. I often do it seated in the car or even in the bed. Yes. That is such a good one. It’s a really good one to have in your back pocket, too, if you are traveling because you can do it on a plane, you can do it in the car. You can do it at a rest stop. There’s just so many possibilities. So thank you to both of you for entering. And Heather, you are the winner! So I will send you an email and get you set up with your free membership in the studio. Thank you both for participating.

[00:29:02] OK. So we still have one more giveaway to do. And here’s the invitation. The question is, what is one thing that you learned in the past decade? So kind of what would you add in your own list, like I had in my list, that you learned in the past decade? So as you can see, your odds of winning are pretty high. You can totally enter to win twice. So except for you, Heather, because you already won. But Cassie, you totally can. So to enter to win, email me at podcast@curvyyoga.com, text me at 615-852-8789, or you’re also welcome to tag me on Instagram@CurvyYoga. So I will again share the answers that come in next week. Same as today: first names only. And then I will announce a winner. OK. So let’s close with one breath together. We’ll inhale. And exhale. The light in me honors the light in you. Namaste.

[00:30:09] [MUSIC]

[00:30:18] Stay tuned next week when I’m going to share reflections on my 2019 word of the year and reveal my word of the year for 2020. Also, inquiring minds want to know what’s your Myers Briggs? E-mail me at podcast@curvyyoga.com or text me at 615-852-8789.