The Second Arrow (Season 7, Episode 8)

Tell me if this sounds familiar: you plan to do your yoga practice after work one day, but then your neighbor stops by, you need to answer an unexpected email, and then all of the sudden the night gets away from you and you don’t have time to do what you’d thought.

This is a totally normal scenario that doesn’t mean anything about you or your yoga practice.

That is, until what happens next.

I’m talking about what often happens next, and some ways around it, in today’s episode. So if any of this rings true for you, give it a listen!

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Transcript

[00:00:05] [MUSIC].

[00:00:05] Welcome to Love, Curvy Yoga, the podcast where we believe fat acceptance and Health at Every Size are society changing paradigms that are essential in both yoga and the world. Now let’s get into it.

[00:00:20] Hi there. How are things in your world? I hope that they are going really well! Things here are good. Hazel’s first birthday is in a few days, so that is really exciting.

[00:00:34] And we have a new theme this month in the Studio, and we’ll be discussing here on the podcast, as well. And our theme is The Kind 29. Now, this is not a challenge because I am not into that, but it is an invitation to show yourself kindness every day this month. And this month, as I’m sure you probably know, includes a bonus day because it’s a leap year. So hence the Kind 29. So each day there’s a new practice video that’s all about cultivating kindness and a new invitation to bring kindness into your life. So if you’re already a Studio member, this is coming your way. And if you’re not, you can visit curvyyoga.studio to join us and have a very kind February. OK. In just a moment, we’re going to be talking about a teaching called the second arrow.

[00:01:35] [MUSIC].

[00:01:35] I was reminded recently of a Buddhist teaching called the Second Arrow, and I realized that I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it here on the podcast, so I wanted to. So speaking of podcasts, the only thing that gets me through folding the laundry or doing any other chores basically is listening to podcasts.

[00:01:56] So one of my favorites is “On Being.” And if you have not listened to this before, I highly recommend it. I’ll include a link to the show notes. And I a little while ago listened to an episode with Dr. Ellen Langer called “The Science of Mindlessness and Mindfulness.” And at the very end of the interview, she made a somewhat throwaway comment that really changed the way that I think about things. And this is kind of how it goes sometimes, isn’t it? So we just never know what someone else needs to hear and how they’re going to hear it.

[00:02:32] So Dr. Langer shared a story about when a fire destroyed the majority of what she owned. And she said that “the insurance agent had said to me that this was the first call that he’d ever had where the damage was worse than the call.” So in other words, most people who call their insurance agents after a fire are so upset, very understandably, that they overestimate the damage. And what Dr. Langer said next is what I found so fascinating. She said, “why give it my soul? You know, why pay twice?”.

[00:03:07] Even thinking about it now, I can feel tears spring to my eyes because I don’t even think I could begin to count the number of times that I have paid twice in the way that Dr. Langer is framing this for us. And I could probably much more easily count the number of times that I haven’t.

[00:03:30] So what Dr. Langer shared is the essence of the Second Arrow. And I have heard this story from a lot of different teachers, but I found a recounting of it from Tara Brach, the meditation teacher that I’ll share with you. So she says, “In Buddhist teachings, the Buddha describes two arrows. The first arrow is the natural experience that arises in this human animal that we are, for example, fear, aggression, greed, craving. The second arrow is self aversion for the fact of the first arrow. We have the experience of being nasty, selfish or greedy, and we don’t like ourselves for that. That’s the second arrow. The Buddha says the first arrow hurts. Why do we shoot the second arrow into us ourselves? And yet we do. He goes on to say, In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. The second arrow is optional.” So then Tara goes on to say “The first arrow arises from causes and conditions beyond our control. But when we learn to release the judgment and self blame that we experience in response to the first arrow, the second arrow becomes completely avoidable.”

[00:04:52] Oof. Right?

[00:04:53] So I thought I would talk about some of the ways that the second arrow has shown up for me in regards to my yoga and body acceptance practices. Truly, there are so many examples. I’ll share a few for each. So for yoga, one example of a first arrow: not doing a practice during a time I had intended to. You know, not a big deal, but here comes the second arrow. These are the thoughts that I will have in response to something like this: “you never follow through. You’re not a real yogi. You are a fraud.” You can see I really just feel like this visual of two arrows, one coming at you and then another that you have essentially fired at yourself, is so vivid because you can see where if it’s pretty neutral, like you just didn’t do the practice. OK, the end. You did it, you didn’t do it. But then it’s when we layer on that second arrow that things get really mucky. And what I have experienced in my own life, and have heard from many of you, is that it’s that second error that causes us to start thinking that we’re not good at yoga, makes us stop practicing yoga for a while then we have to, like, heave ourselves back onto the mat. It’s just a lot.

[00:06:22] So here is another one in regards to my yoga practice: not being able to do poses that I used to do with ease. Okay. Once again, bodies change. That is a neutral fact. But here comes the second arrow. Here are some of my thoughts. “If you practiced more, you’d be able to do this. Why did you get so lazy?” Super charming, right? Here’s another one: not being a Sanskrit, yoga history or yoga philosophy scholar. Once again, fine. Did I sign up to be any of those things? No. So, but here’s the second arrow “what makes you think you can talk about any of this? You’re a fraud.” Yes, you’re a fraud, I could just add you’re a fraud to every single one of these.

[00:07:09] Here is some around body acceptance that come up for me: my belly is getting “huge.” “Oh, I thought you were this body acceptance person. I always knew that you were fooling yourself.” Oh that, oh my gosh, all of that kind of has the sting of a second arrow, that’s for sure.

[00:07:33] Here’s another one. Maybe my jeans are not fitting me in a way that feels good. Well, then the second arrow, I might say to myself: “Too bad. Why are you even paying attention to something like this?” Or I might go the other way into “what’s going on with your body and why isn’t it different?” Another example is that let’s just say I emotionally eat, which is a normal thing that human beings do, and then here comes the second arrow: “look at you. You’re going right back to bingeing. Have you learned nothing?”.

[00:08:08] These examples, I think, are showing in such a stark way, and I think also in such an everyday way, there’s nothing particularly dramatic or irregular about these examples, they are just kind of everyday things that I think a lot of us encounter in different ways, like not the exact same first arrow necessarily, but more this sort of tone of things that happen. Then I’m sure that you can see how painful these second arrows are and so much worse they make things.

[00:08:48] So I grew up, like you maybe, thinking that if I was disciplined and shamed myself enough that I would get the body and the life that I wanted. Basically, if I had known about the second arrow as a kid, it would have only been that I thought it was a good idea. Like, “go ahead and shoot the second arrow! You need it! You deserve it! It’ll motivate you!” But that is entirely counterproductive. Since then, since I was a kid, we have fortunately gotten research from people like Brene Brown and Kristen Neff, to name a couple, that says y’all, not only is that wrong. It’s actually completely the opposite!

[00:09:33] So the next time you catch a first arrow, you see one coming your way, it hits you, whether through a thought and action, something outside of yourself. You might not be able to stop the second arrow from leaving the bow (I hope that’s right, a bow? My archery knowledge is basically zero percent), and then if you can’t stop it, because of course, that doesn’t necessarily happen overnight or all the time or anything like that. But then maybe you catch it mid air, or if you don’t catch it and it hits you, you notice it and remove it before it lodges for too long and makes you start thinking that maybe a third arrow or something would be a good idea.

[00:10:21] OK. So up next, a few reminders.

[00:10:23] [MUSIC]

[00:10:33] OK, reminders, Studio members: you have a new video practice every single week this year. So the one that came out this past Sunday was called Rest and Digest and the parasympathetic, ugh, parasympathetic (I left that in so you could hear my fun syncopation there). So the parasympathetic nervous system in our bodies is what is responsible for rest and digest. And we need this to be activated regularly in order to feel our best, to heal, etc.. And as you may know, it is actually the sympathetic nervous system which is responsible for things like fight, flight, freeze that is actually activated during much of our modern days that are often overscheduled and stressful. So if you feel like you need some time to reset on a lot of different levels, then this half hour practice is for you.

[00:11:30] Your video coming out this coming Sunday is called Opening Your Heart with Kindness. And it is, I think, a really beautiful and relevant companion to this teaching about the second arrow. So in this practice, whether from being at a desk, commuting or something similar, everyday life often has us in a position where our shoulders are rolled forward and our chests are at least somewhat collapsed. And this can lead to tightness and discomfort in many parts of the body. And also, because the body is more than just the physical, this tension and closing can have resonance on the mental and emotional levels, too. So this practice is designed to counteract that and open the front of the body across the chest and shoulders with kindness in ways that support your whole being. So this one was a member request from Julia H. Thank you for the request. And members, if you have other video requests, you’re always welcome to send them to me. And again, like I mentioned earlier, if you’re not yet a member, you can join us at curvyyoga.studio.

[00:12:42] OK. So if you have questions, comments, feedback, ideas, send them my way. Email at podcast@curvyyoga.com, text me at 6 1 5 – 8 5 2 – 8 7 8 9, or take a screenshot or tag me on Instagram or DM me there, and I’m @CurvyYoga there.

[00:13:03] So let’s close with one breath together. We’ll inhale. And exhale. The light in me honors the light in you. Namaste.

[00:13:17] [MUSIC]

[00:13:26] Stay tuned next week where I’m going to be talking about the list. What list? You’ll find out more soon.